I surprised myself today. Normally I'm angry about external forces. Injustices, assholes, idiots, whatever. This weekend I realized that I had to rant about myself. Because I did something really fuckin stupid.
I am one to hold grudges. Probably not surprising, but still true. Usually, though, I hold my grudge for a little bit, and then let a mild anger simmer in the background but give up on actively hating someone or something. I realized this weekend that I was holding a grudge that I should've let go a long time ago.
I am not one to often admit mistakes. But here I was, suddenly glaringly aware of how wrong I've been. I was talking to someone who was telling me a story about a grudge they were holding, and it dawned on me that it was the stupidest thing I'd ever heard.
Through a series of unrelated coincidences, I not only got this feeling, but I was able to quickly connect it to a grudge that I myself was holding. I ran in to a friend who it turns out is working with this person who at one time was my best friend and who I now not only don't speak to, but we would both avoid each other if we were in the same room.
So I hear this story, this former friend is fresh in my mind, and suddenly I'm pissed off. I've thrown away years that should've been spent with my friend. And for what? Because I was angry at her?
I was angry at her. Once, a long, long time ago, I had an online journal. Not a blog, because blogs didn't exist then, nor did blogging software. It was a hand-coded journal. I shared the address with her because I was too much of a pussy to tell her how I felt about her, most of the time. And she went and did something that, at that time, I deemed "[un]forgivable," which was my first title for this post. And she did this thing, and I insulted the shit out of my best friend in an online post because she broke my heart. Or maybe she didn't. And it just felt that way. And I insulted other people that I was friends with too. And it turned out that a lot more people were reading my online journal than I had previously thought. And I deleted it and everything it said.
Wash away the past with the click of a mouse button.
But now, here I am, roughly 7 years later, and I've barely spoken to someone who I loved and cared about and was my best friend. And that's fucked. And that pissed me off. How fucking stubborn was I being? For what? For some teenage angsty bullshit. And, yes, the hurt that was done to me was real. But she tried to clear things up and I wouldn't let her. And now it was my turn.
And this morning, I did the [un]expected. I apologized for letting our friendship slip away. For being angry at her. For making things worse than they had to be. And for not apologizing sooner. And for avoiding her when we'd be in the same place. And for generally being an ass in regards to her.
And ya know what? She didn't totally forgive me. She said that she couldn't do that. Not yet. And ya know what made me angry about that? That it was my fuckin fault for waiting so long. And lemme tell you, for someone who rarely admits wrong-doing, it sucks to feel that way.
Also, just a quick couple of points about this place. This webpage is not a blog. I will rarely be sharing personal stories as much as opinions. This is a personal online ranting space. You can call it a Pors, I guess, if you have to shorten everything.
And secondly, while having every post titled [un]something is maybe appealing in the short term, I make no guarantees that I can keep it up forever. So don't give me shit about it if I finally give up on that.